The following post is from my blog on SparkPeople.com. That is where I began my blogging adventure. This blog I am sharing with you is the root of my Ex-Perfectionist lifestyle and this new blog on blogger.
Please note that I will be blogging about my Seattle trip tonight. I started last night, but I have so many photos to edit and get in order! So enjoy these reflections from an Ex-Perfectionist. :)
April 28, 2009
I haven’t blogged in quite some time. To be honest, I have felt discouraged, ashamed and overwhelmed. In the last three weeks I have gained about 6 pounds of water weight and period bloat. I realize this occurrence is natural, and the same thing happens to me monthly. I know this because I have been charting my hormonal phenomenons.
Also worthy to note, is that I binge and get these massive cravings pretty much to the day every single month. My PMS lasts for two weeks with one normal week before my period. Week one I am exhausted and can’t sleep, and don’t feel like doing anything. Week two brings crazy cravings and binges. Then I have one normal week before my period. Well normal, except I am starving (I read that this could be due to an increased metabolic rate the week before your period).
I am excited to know that much of this is hormonal, but I don’t know what to do with the information. I will say this that if you experience occasional binges or cravings, chart them on a calendar! You may find that it is hormonal and has to do with your menstrual cycle. If you figure out what to do with the information, let me know.
Also, I wanted to share a revelation – if you will – that God has allowed me to experience this last week. The other day I was driving in my car, and I realized the sin I struggle with is not necessarily laziness or gluttony (which are both devastating sins), but my sin is perfectionism. This may be confusing to some Christians, as we are trying to walk in a Christ like example (Christ is the embodiment of perfection). However, my perfectionism is worldly. I am trying to obtain a perfect body, and a perfect home, and a perfect life; all while leaving Christ out of the equation. Because I can’t ever obtain perfection (either worldly or Godly), I allow myself to give up. I stop trying to take care of myself and I let myself and my life go. This is where the laziness and gluttony comes in to play. Because I am so focused on one sin, I give in to other sins.
Then just this morning I was reading 1 Corinthians 7 and I paused on verses 10 and 11. They state:
“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” So what does that have to do with perfection? Nothing really except I realized this morning that after I binge, or gain weight, or fail to exercise, or clean my house, I feel this uncontrollable guilt and sorrow. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. Because I can’t obtain perfection, I feel guilty about it. I feel a worldly sorrow that is life devastating.
Since I should be striving to walk in a Christ like example, I should be feeling a Godly sorrow when I stumble. Which, in my opinion brings about good things: earnestness, eagerness to clear myself (to ask for forgiveness), indignation (desire to see something unjust receive justice), alarm, longing (for God), concern (probably concern that if I’ve hurt God or others), and readiness to see justice done. After reading this, I’ve realized that Godly sorrow is a good thing.
So, I should feel sorrowful when I binge and give in to cravings. But instead I should be eager to ask God for forgiveness and right the wrong (the next time) that I have committed. When I sit around and am lazy, I should long for the Lord and be concerned with how I’ve hurt him (by hurting myself) through my actions.
I can’t obtain a worldly perfection, but I should strive for a Godly one. A Godly perfection has nothing to do with good looks, or covering up and disguising flaws. Godly perfection is love: loving myself, others and most important, Loving the Lord with my whole heart, soul, strength and mind.
Just this weekend (May 15-17, 2009) I had one of those Godly sorrows. I was getting ready to go to downtown with Brit and Michelle, and as I was running the flat iron through my hair, I said, "I am so sorry Lord for not taking better care of my body. I can do so much more, but I don't. Please forgive me." That was the first time I have ever had a Godly remorse for how I treat my body. I am excited about that, 'cause I feel as though I am on the brink of something greater than my current state!
Perfectionism (the worldly kind) sucks! That is why I am an Ex-Perfectionist.
Progression of my weight gain/progression from a perfectionist to an Ex-Perfectionist.
Wedding day, Sept. 2004: 150 pounds.
Family photos, fall 2008: 165 pounds.
Family vacation (with my nieces) Feb. 2009: 175 pounds.
I am not perfect now, and I wasn't perfect 5 years ago. I've gained weight, you can see it in my face, but that doesn't define who I am. I am beautiful because God created me to be so, and the only perfection I want to gain is one that imitates my Lord and Savior: Christ.
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