Welcome to my American Dream

First thing first.

And the winner of the hardcover copy of "The One Day Way" is...

LINDA!

Congratulations Linda. Please send your mailing address to wilson_power@hotmail.com.

The American Dream

One area of my life that I have (in the past) allowed perfectionist ideals into my life is a future home. I remember actually saying to my mother-in-law, "I'll never live in anything smaller than 1,500 square feet."

I idealized the American dream as 2,500 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a gourmet kitchen, three car garage and me vacuuming in high heels and pearls like June Cleaver.

Well, when Josh and I decided to purchase our first home, I had to come to peace with an older smaller home -- a much smaller one.

This 886 square foot home (1200 if you count the finished attic which will be Josh's den), was built in 1926.
It had some updates in the 70s. Please note the terrible drop down ceiling.

But it has some really great features, like the "bay window" with storage underneath, the crown molding on the door and window frames, and the built in hutch. The home also has a nice fenced backyard, a two car garage, and a full basement for storage.

It is definitely a work in progress. Since we closed on the home during the first week of December, we've been spending all of our spare time getting it move-in ready. Our first task was to tear down the drop down ceiling, mud the ceiling, add a faux beam, paint the living/dining room area and add updated lighting.

Ta-da! I am still working on painting the trim and edges. We just got a new water heater put in today and we'll get new appliances next Thursday. The we should be officially moving in.

The house still needs a ton of work. Mostly a bunch of little projects here and there. As well as some big projects like new flooring and an outside paint job.

Anyway, I still feel a little embarrassed about my first home. Some of my friends have big-brand new homes. And soon I plan on inviting those friends over to hang out in my little-tiny modest home. The thing is, I am not envious of their homes. I really love my little house, but my inner perfectionist feels like I need to play catch-up with the Jones'.

The good news is, happiness is not materialism. Nor is it status symbols like granite counter-tops or a master bath the size of my new master bedroom.

I am challenging myself to be content with what I have. To learn to be satisfied with the blessings that God has given me. We are so rich in America. We have clean running water for crying out loud. I am also challenging myself to stop comparing myself with your friends or coworkers. It is not easy, but I'm never going to be happy if I am focusing on other peoples' "happiness."

Have you been comparing something you have or don't have with something a friend or coworker has?

Many Blessings,
--Shawnee

Big Changes for the Ex-Perfectionist

Perfectionist.

That is what I am. The whole point of creating this blog was to throw away the perfectionism trash that clutters my existence and learn to love myself as I am.

Disappointed.

That is how I feel about myself for not being able to maintain a daily blog. I am one perfect dust bunny away from kicking this blog to the curb. I don’t even care to recycle it.

Scared.

The thought of having to consistently photograph my food every single day FREAKS-ME-OUT! The mere inkling of waking up every morning and exercising, straitening my hair, cleaning my house, working for 8-9 hours, cooking dinner, and being a wife makes me want to run away to some deserted island with no television, radio, and internet. Essentially, I want to live in a world without any FOR-THE-REST-OF-MY-LIFE responsibilities.

Takes a deep breath in, holds for five seconds and slowly releases.

I took a look through all the pictures I've taken for my blog since it’s conception in May. Wow. The few recipes I’ve created. All the ones I’ve tested and tried. All the restaurants I’ve eaten at. In terms of food: I’ve done a lot in the past eight months. In terms of my other hobbies and goals: I’ve done squat.

2010 is going to look different for The Ex-Perfectionist. I still want to write about cooking, and about food. But I also want to write about all of the other 1001 hobbies and goals I have.

In 2010 The Ex-Perfectionist hopes to write about:

• Food
• Restaurants
  
• Traveling
• House Beautification Project
• Crafts
• Friends and Family
• My relationship with Jesus
• Health and Wellness
• Fashion
• Writing
  
• and anything else that comes to my mind

This blog is and will forever be a health and wellness blog for body, mind and soul. Think of it as a general interest blog.

Cheers to a beautiful, peaceful and passionate 2010!

Wisdom of a Foodie

Psst. If you're looking for the "Deceptively Delicious" Cookbook giveaway, click here to enter. Don't forget to enter by Aug. 7!

Over the last couple of days I've been sharing my thoughts with a fellow foodie on FoodBuzz. Rachel of Laptops and Stovetops told me she is also on a similar self improvement journey. She is living by the motto, "trying to be the best me I can be." And of course I am attempting to "love myself as I am."

I told her my biggest frustration with being a perfectionist is that I want to be all, achieve all, and have all -- perfectly. In other words, I want everything done now, and mastered to perfection! When it doesn't happen the way I think it should, I get frustrated, overwhelmed and give up.

She replied: "When I am getting frustrated with progress, I try to liken myself to a master work of a marbled sculpture. Even if it's just a few minor chips I make each day, I am still working towards my masterpiece."

Thinking back to when started this blog (three months ago or so), I could barely force myself to exercise for 30 minutes a day on a regular basis. Before Rachel made that comment, I thought my silly little "21 Day New Habit Challenge" was a failure. I may not have completed all my goals, but look at me now. I've been exercising regularly since the start of it!

Rachel inspired and reminded me to take one day at a time. To view every step of progress, no matter how small, as a leap on my path towards my final destination. Thanks for the inspiration!

And now my progress of yesterday...

So after going to the bank, and leaving my debit card there, I went grocery shopping. I was on the hunt to find a VitaTop muffin, but Fred Meyer doesn't carry them. They did, however, have Oikos Greek Yogurt!

I've been craving yogurt the last few days, but I won't buy the sugary stuff and I despise plain yogurt. I remember having some Greek Yogurt with fruit and honey at a B&B, and I liked it.

Oikos' flavor is by far less offensive than that of plain yogurt. For a snack, I had 1/2 a cup of Oikos, 1/2 cup blueberries, a little natural applesauce and some honey. Hit the spot.

Doggy Days...

Below is a picture of Maddie with her baby after going for a run. See the way she's lying? She actually sleeps like that. Weirdo.
Maddie loves her baby.

"Deceptively Delicious" Mac & Cheese: Deceptively OK

I wanted to give the Mac & Cheese recipe from "Deceptively Delicious" a try, since many of you said it was your childhood comfort food. Hey don't forget to enter the "Deceptively Delicious" cookbook giveaway. Jessica Seinfeld's recipe called for cauliflower puree (or butternut squash puree), skim milk, lowfat cheddar, lowfat cream cheese, paprika, salt, and pepper. Since I use organic dairy, I did use full fat. I really have to be careful with her recipes, because she uses a lot of "lowfat" variaties. Variaties that are usually not organic. Anyway...

It was ok. I happened to like it anyway. I'm sure had my husband eaten it, and I told him it was mac & cheese, he would have objected. :) But, if I were to use the basis of that recipe and add some turkey burger or something and give it a different name, he would have eaten it and told me it was ok.

The recipe definitely didn't taste like the boxed stuff. It was closer to homemade mac & cheese. Though, I can tell you nobody would know cauliflower hides among the elbow macaroni and the cheese.

For a healthy all natural version of mac & cheese, it hit the spot.

I served mine with leftover steamed cauliflower and chicken breast. To make the mac & cheese more grown up, I crumbled some blue cheese over the top. hehehe

I had to share that the mac & cheese definitely filled me up (due to using whole wheat pasta), and I left 1/2 of the chicken breast. :) I usually clean my plate.Today I'm going to try the Brownies with Spinach. I'll let you know how those go!

Here is everything else I ate...

With some changes though. I did have the banana soft serve, but I ate it with a spoonful of blueberry jam, rather than chocolate syrup and nuts.

I also exercised for 55 minutes. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill -- 5 minute warm up and 15 minute run. I also did 35 minutes of tae bo.

The rest of my day today:

So much to do so little time. I'm off to clean the house now. YAY *sarcasm*

Remember, ever little bit of progress you make is still progress.

--Shawnee

50 Foot Plumber Man meets Eating Disorders

I’m one of those people who can’t sleep because thoughts, emotions, and ideas are constantly racing through my brain like it’s the German Autobahn. I’m blessed and cursed as a thinker and a visionary -- always dreaming up new ideas or projects for myself. But I can get so completely overwhelmed and ahead of myself that I can’t seem to control the steps or processes it takes to get to my desired outcome.

Thus, perfectionism.

Bah! Well, today I am going to discuss a couple of those things that have been plaguing my thoughts. Just to get them down and out is so relieving.

Attack of the 50 Foot Plumber Man!

First off, I nearly just had a panic attack. I got a phone call today from a plumber’s office and it went something like this:

“Hi this is Trudy from Mr. Smith’s Plumbing. Mr. Smith is ready to come and look at your home." (The plumber is seriously a block away!)

“Oh, uh, wow. I didn’t get any sort of a warning.”

“Well, dear he’s been in business for 20 years and nothing bothers him. Don’t feel embarrassed.”

I agree to let the man come over, hang up the phone, and talk myself out of throwing a fit. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

See, I broke my 21 Day habit yesterday and let my dinner dishes go. I had planned to wake up and do them this morning, but I slept in (thus breaking another habit). I had already been feeling guilty about breaking my habits, and now someone has to see the living proof of it!
I had to slow down and think about the rest of my house. It isn’t that bad. Just the dinner dishes.

Anyway, I realized right off that this is the voice of perfectionism creeping in. I’m not perfect. The man has no right to judge me. And even if he does, he doesn’t know how busy I was last night.

So in yo face MR. Plumber man!

Eating disorders: A deadly perfection

There was a common theme floating through the air yesterday. Or perhaps God was just trying to tell me something.

My best friend, Brittany, admitted on her blog yesterday that she has an eating disorder. Then, I was reading the Daily Sparkblog and found a link that defines different eating disorders, including one that is not usually associated or defined as such. Click here for the definitions.

I’ve admitted briefly and vaguely to Brittany and my other beautiful best friend, Michelle, that I have an eating disorder. But I wasn’t really convinced. After reading that definition, I am pretty sure it defined me.

In fact I was just talking to my Mom on our trip to Ashland about this. I actually told her that I am not a binge eater. I told her I’ve never eaten a whole box of cereal or a whole bag of chips. But, occasionally I do have one or two serving extra of something small. Then I feel really disgusted with myself, and out of control, and like I want to crawl in a hole and die.
Part of that definition, defines me. It turns out it doesn’t matter how much you binge on, it’s more about the emotions and feelings that are associated with eating.

I am pretty convinced one of the reasons the world -- girls, teens, people in their 20s and older – struggle with eating disorders and negative body issues is because we’re all trying to obtain perfection. It saddens me to think that some women work for this perfection, but they’re never going to obtain it.

We feel this need for perfection because we were created to feel that need. God created us to keep our eyes on Jesus, who is the embodiment of perfection. Sadly, the world is striving for the wrong perfection.

I’m no better.

But knowing I struggle, and admitting it, is going to make my path to healing so much easier.

Recap of yesterday:

Calories in/Calories out

I'm sorry I didn't get to adding up my calories yet today. Perhaps I will have time and edit to add my calories in and out.

I did do 35 minutes of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo Bootcamp. That was a blast from the past. An exhausting one at that!

I told my hubby last night that when I was in high school, Tae Bo was a sinch to me. It made me feel really out of shape.

Dishes: Not check. Exercise: Check. Wake up early: Check.

So far today, I did not wake up early.

I will be gone this weekend!

On the agenda:

• Garage sale at Josh's parents house on Friday
• Mom's wedding on Saturday
• Lunch with Britt and Michelle on Sunday! Busy Busy.

I'll take my laptop. Hopefully I might have some time to do a quick post.

Have a good weekend everyone.

--Shawnee

Putting old habits to rest: Day 3 of New Habit Challenge

Yesterday's Habits. Wake up at 5:45: check. Dishes: check. Exercise: check. I completed all of my new habits yesterday, but just barely. I had to keep chanting to myself: be your best today!

Calories In/Calories Out:

Calories Consumed: I have no idea!

I was too scared to calculate my calories. I didn't eat a lot, but what I ate wasn't good. I went ahead and had one a huge July 4th Burger, with baked chips and beans. I did skip dessert. After that though, I felt this incredible nagging voice inside my head. I tried to shut it up as much as possible.

Calories Burned: I forgot to write it down in my journal, but I burned 135 calories after 30 minutes doing free step on Wii Fit.

Definitely too many calories in, and not enough out. :(

Subduing the obnoxious voice of perfection:

Upon stepping on to the Wii Fit board, just out of sheer habit, I weighed myself. I should have known better. Of course, being late in the evening, and having just drank a very large glass of water, the stupid board told me I was 4.9 pounds heavier than the last time I weighed in. The last time I got on the evil board just happened to be right after I finished my 5 day detox.

The board just ruined me. I felt so insignificant, and I wondered how I could possibly write on my blog that I have given up one of my habits after just three days: exercising daily.

Luckily as I free stepped, I watched Joe vs. the Volcano. It's funny how a cheesy 80s movie can sometimes speak to you. After Joe figured out that he was going to die, he decided to live. *shakes head* I realized I need to live every day -- one day at a time. I don't think I have ever understood what that truly means.

Another boost of confidence just so happened because, even after my husband saw my weight on the Wii (even though I told him not to look, which made me mad), I realized that he still loves me -- still desires me.

My goal in life, and the reason I started this blog, is not just to lose weight and look hot. Even though I lose focus quite often. My goal is to be healthy -- body, mind and soul -- and to quiet to world's voice of perfection that so often penetrates my thoughts and emotions. I am who I am.

Today, I am going to take care of myself, because I need to. And not because our eating disordered culture tells me I need to do so.

--Shawnee

P.S. I got on the scale this morning and I am back down to normal. ;)

Lord Save me from my Hormones

The following post is from my blog on SparkPeople.com. That is where I began my blogging adventure. This blog I am sharing with you is the root of my Ex-Perfectionist lifestyle and this new blog on blogger.

Please note that I will be blogging about my Seattle trip tonight. I started last night, but I have so many photos to edit and get in order! So enjoy these reflections from an Ex-Perfectionist. :)

April 28, 2009

I haven’t blogged in quite some time. To be honest, I have felt discouraged, ashamed and overwhelmed. In the last three weeks I have gained about 6 pounds of water weight and period bloat. I realize this occurrence is natural, and the same thing happens to me monthly. I know this because I have been charting my hormonal phenomenons.

Also worthy to note, is that I binge and get these massive cravings pretty much to the day every single month. My PMS lasts for two weeks with one normal week before my period. Week one I am exhausted and can’t sleep, and don’t feel like doing anything. Week two brings crazy cravings and binges. Then I have one normal week before my period. Well normal, except I am starving (I read that this could be due to an increased metabolic rate the week before your period).

I am excited to know that much of this is hormonal, but I don’t know what to do with the information. I will say this that if you experience occasional binges or cravings, chart them on a calendar! You may find that it is hormonal and has to do with your menstrual cycle. If you figure out what to do with the information, let me know.

Also, I wanted to share a revelation – if you will – that God has allowed me to experience this last week. The other day I was driving in my car, and I realized the sin I struggle with is not necessarily laziness or gluttony (which are both devastating sins), but my sin is perfectionism. This may be confusing to some Christians, as we are trying to walk in a Christ like example (Christ is the embodiment of perfection). However, my perfectionism is worldly. I am trying to obtain a perfect body, and a perfect home, and a perfect life; all while leaving Christ out of the equation. Because I can’t ever obtain perfection (either worldly or Godly), I allow myself to give up. I stop trying to take care of myself and I let myself and my life go. This is where the laziness and gluttony comes in to play. Because I am so focused on one sin, I give in to other sins.

Then just this morning I was reading 1 Corinthians 7 and I paused on verses 10 and 11. They state:

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” So what does that have to do with perfection? Nothing really except I realized this morning that after I binge, or gain weight, or fail to exercise, or clean my house, I feel this uncontrollable guilt and sorrow. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. Because I can’t obtain perfection, I feel guilty about it. I feel a worldly sorrow that is life devastating.

Since I should be striving to walk in a Christ like example, I should be feeling a Godly sorrow when I stumble. Which, in my opinion brings about good things: earnestness, eagerness to clear myself (to ask for forgiveness), indignation (desire to see something unjust receive justice), alarm, longing (for God), concern (probably concern that if I’ve hurt God or others), and readiness to see justice done. After reading this, I’ve realized that Godly sorrow is a good thing.

So, I should feel sorrowful when I binge and give in to cravings. But instead I should be eager to ask God for forgiveness and right the wrong (the next time) that I have committed. When I sit around and am lazy, I should long for the Lord and be concerned with how I’ve hurt him (by hurting myself) through my actions.

I can’t obtain a worldly perfection, but I should strive for a Godly one. A Godly perfection has nothing to do with good looks, or covering up and disguising flaws. Godly perfection is love: loving myself, others and most important, Loving the Lord with my whole heart, soul, strength and mind.

Just this weekend (May 15-17, 2009) I had one of those Godly sorrows. I was getting ready to go to downtown with Brit and Michelle, and as I was running the flat iron through my hair, I said, "I am so sorry Lord for not taking better care of my body. I can do so much more, but I don't. Please forgive me." That was the first time I have ever had a Godly remorse for how I treat my body. I am excited about that, 'cause I feel as though I am on the brink of something greater than my current state!

Perfectionism (the worldly kind) sucks! That is why I am an Ex-Perfectionist.

Progression of my weight gain/progression from a perfectionist to an Ex-Perfectionist.

Wedding day, Sept. 2004: 150 pounds.

Family photos, fall 2008: 165 pounds.

Family vacation (with my nieces) Feb. 2009: 175 pounds.

I am not perfect now, and I wasn't perfect 5 years ago. I've gained weight, you can see it in my face, but that doesn't define who I am. I am beautiful because God created me to be so, and the only perfection I want to gain is one that imitates my Lord and Savior: Christ.